I wrote this Letter to the Editor to my small town newspaper. This was my response to the amazing numbers of “Yes on 8″ signs that sprung up in my neighborhood seemingly overnight a few weeks back.
If you don’t live in California, Proposition 8 bans same sex marriage. The California Supreme Court ruled that same sex marriage was legal in June 2008. Prop 8 hopes to overturn this. Here is my letter:
Dear Editor:
Ideally Proposition 8 is a logical decision. Either you support or oppose equal rights for all. But I want to acknowledge – perhaps fool hardily, because I may be driven out of town on the next wine train – the passion that Proposition 8 is stirring in California and in our own small community.
The emotions and fears are evident when friends ask me: “I don’t mind gays, but what do you tell your kids? Would you want your kids to see that?”
I can only imagine my own relatives in the deep south in the 1960’s saying similar things about the imagine of my husband and I, two individuals who decided to build a marriage and a family based on values of respect and love. You see, I was born in 1964 in a small mid-western town. This same year my husband was playing in a sandbox half a world away. Because we are from different races, it was against the law for us to marry until the Supreme Court ruled in favor of interracial marriage in 1967 in Loving vs. Virginia. I feel fortunate to live during a time in history when I can choose who I want to marry and a part of a country that is inclusive and accepting. Our friends, children, and grandchildren should not have to wait decades or even years to obtain the same rights or a message of inclusivity.
What do I tell my kids? I have three kids under 8 and what I tell them is when people are old enough to make smart decisions they choose who they want to marry. Hopefully, they choose someone who respects and loves them. And if they choose to have a family the respect and love is handed down to the next generation. Respect and Love. That’s what I hopefully model for my children.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but gay families are part of our community, some out, some with a foot still stuck in a few hangers in the closet (I don’t blame them). No proposition will put your fear to rest or push whole families into an already crowded closet. Just as the states attempts to abolish interracial marriage would not have kept thousands of mixed-race couples from being together. These laws only harm individuals and families but they do not stop them from being formed.
I have two kids in the public school system and I have never heard my child talk about “today during our lesson on marriage.” As parents, the ball is in our court. It is our choice to educate our kids about our values – whatever they may be. But by all means, do not deny hard-working, loving families the same rights to tax benefits, hospital visitation, etc. as you enjoy. This hurts our community. I ask you to support families in our community by voting for equal rights for all. Because all families deserve the same rights and privileges. NO ON 8.
Shelley
November 5, 2008 at 6:43 am
What a well-written entry. Thank you.
November 5, 2008 at 8:30 am
Yes. Just…YES. I’m really much more worried about how I’ll explain to my children that it’s okay to treat everyone unequally under the laws of our country.
November 10, 2008 at 3:08 am
It’s Not About Inclusion. It’s About Replacement.
Most people just want to get along, but for some, getting along is not enough. One of the deceptive ideas in the culture wars is “So what if you’re apples and we’re oranges, can’t we all share the fruit bowl together?” In the battle of ideas, two diametrically opposing views of society cannot co-exist peacefully side by side…. Or can they? In my mind I picture Tevye, the Jewish dairyman from the play “Fiddler on the Roof”, standing in the middle of the road, cow in hand, pondering these diverging moral paths.
On the one hand, we have traditionally proven societal models, based on the basic principles of the ten commandments. Don’t steal, don’t kill, honor your father and mother, don’t lie…do unto others, and so on….basic Judeo-Christian values, handed down from Heaven for the stability of man.
On the other hand is the belief that morality doesn’t matter, that religious values are passé. There is no morality but the morality of convenience. Society determines it’s own morality, subject to change.
I’ve been considering the idea put forth by some that the apples and oranges should just get along. There’s room in the bowl for all. Physically, that is true. All different races and kinds of people live together and get along, even different religions can get along, because at heart, they have common morals and ideals. They ultimately strive for the same goals. What if there is no common moral ground? Is morality different than race? Is morality a zero sum game? or is there really room for all?
At first, there may appear to be room for all, but over time, the reality shows that there is not. For one side to gain ground morally, the other has to lose.
In looking over the globe, the obvious evidence is that there are no cultures who have successfully incorporated multiple sets of moral ideals, especially when it comes to marriage. Surely in all those independently evolving societies, there must be some reason for this. Perhaps it is because it is human nature for some fringe elements to constantly push against the barriers of society. Civilized society is called “civil” because we control our impulsive natures in order to be better people. There are always some who believe it is an imposition on them to require civil behavior in a civil society. The boundaries of civility can move, but only at the loss to the greater civility of the whole. Zero sum game. I believe that is happening here.
http://beetlebabee.wordpress.com
November 12, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Nicely done, Shelley. I hope Beetlebabee checks back to see this reply . . .
Beetlebabee – I just read your post “It’s not about Inclusion. It’s about replacement,” and I was disturbed by a number of the ideas you put forth. The first is your claim that our laws are “based on the basic principles of the Ten Commandments . . . handed down from heaven for the stability of man.” Secondly, you further claim that, for those who don’t hold these religious beliefs, “morality doesn’t matter, that religious values are passé. There is no morality but the morality of convenience.” There are two significant problems with your assumptions here.
First, our laws are not “handed down from heaven.” Not even in principle. The Constitution of the United States relies solely on the principles expressed by the framers, and is completely devoid of any reference to a deity or supernatural being. The purpose of our Constitution is very clear: “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” No god, no holy books, no divine inspiration at all. Simply the belief that people ought to govern themselves, and not be subject to the whims of any king; and that people working together provide the best hope for self-governance. Notice the use of “common defence,” and “general Welfare.” These are people-driven principles, based in the belief in human dignity and equality. They are not religiously inspired.
Second, you claim that anyone who doesn’t hold your belief that moral principles are “handed down from heaven” must believe, “that morality doesn’t matter.” Nothing could be further from the truth. Morality does matter. Ethical principles matter. The way we treat other people matters. And it is this belief in the ethical treatment of all people that causes us to oppose attempts to discriminate against the few, the unpopular, the marginalized. It is immoral to deny someone equal treatment under the law because some “holy book” says we should. Morals are not some dead, set-in-stone list of “do’s” and “don’ts” in a book. Morals are alive in the way we treat other human beings, in our ability to stand up in the face of injustice and fight back, and in our capacity to see that each of us has inherent value and is deserving of fairness and equality.
When I read the arguments that religious folks put forward encouraging discrimination against my family, my friends and members of my community, my first emotional response is usually anger – followed swiftly by righteous indignation. But after a few minutes, those pass. And I am left with sorrow, and a faint trace of pity, because until you are ready to let go of your illusions about the morality of “God’s Word,” and turn instead to the still, quiet voice within yourself – until you are able to think for yourself, and trust your own conscience – you will never fulfill your potential to be a truly free, rational, moral being. Morality is so much more than words in an old book. It is alive and breathing and you have a chance to be an active participant in it whenever you encounter another person.
So, Beetlebabee, the choice is yours. You can choose to seek morality in the superstitions of days gone by. Or you can choose to think for yourself, and base your morals on what, deep down, you already know to be right: the dignity, fairness and equality that inspired our founding fathers, and the empathy and love you can feel for others, if you give yourself the chance. Come on, try it. You’ll like it.